Paranoia Problem

When someone enters the yard by my door, he or she must open the yard door (for lack of a better term). It has a metal latch which sounds like (very technical...) "clink, clink". It's very distinctive to me because you can hear it from anywhere in my flat and I like to pretend it's my doorbell. I am typically a light sleeper to specific sounds. Well, at 3.19 a.m., I heard a distinctive "clink". Now, remember, someone actually coming through the door sounds like --all together now-- "clink, clink". So, this was most likely the wind just blowing the door against its own latch. Most likely. Or... it was a psycho killer.

You know, one of the two. Also, the lighting situation is miserable outside my flat. There are no lights. So the only way for me to check on the presence of someone in my yard was to go outside... at 3.19 a.m.... in the dark... in the rain. Now, I've seen enough scary movies to know that this is a bad idea! Instead, I choose the rational reaction of turning on my bedroom light to discourage anyone from trying to enter my flat: "Oops, she's clearly awake. Best try later!"

Of course, as soon as these things happen, I run through the various ways it is possible to break in and kill me. Most of them are not worth it; you'd get caught almost immediately. But maybe, just maybe, there's some psycho who wants to kill me so badly, they don't care what the repercussions are (perhaps a girl who only wanted a simple hello in the toilet?). I was also extraordinarily tired. This means I was falling asleep while thinking these terrible things.

Wait until you hear this dream, man. Okay, apparently my flat was exactly as it is now, but like five people lived there. If you've seen my flat, that's scary enough in itself. People were strewn about my lounge, but not my bedroom. Apparently, I'm a space hog. In my messed up little brain, a prostitute had broken into my flat to steal my computer. Naturally. Well, she broke in this one window right next to where everyone was sleeping. Fearing for their own lives (obviously) they kept still while she wandered into my room. Seeing me there, she decided not to steal my laptop, but did (prepare yourself) feel my face like a blind person would. I did not know this until I "woke up" and my flatmates told me what had happened. The next thing we had to do was take me to get an AIDS test because (and it made sense then) that she must have been breaking in to give us all AIDS. Of course. We had a long and indepth conversation about what to do if I did have AIDS and then it occurred to me: "...Hey! That's so not how you get AIDS!" Everyone looked at me in disbelief and then I woke up.

Then I fell back to sleep. This time, the same "flatmates" and I were trying to win back our flat which was now a boat. Basically, pirates (better than prostitutes, I guess) got in and forced us out. This naturally reminded me of the Simpsons episode when the gang has to reclaim their house from carnies. I suggested using a similar line of trickery when everyone yelled at me, "Everybody's seen that episode!!" Then I woke up again.

At this point, I bit the bullet, checked the flat, returned to my room, shut off the light and went back to bed. I slept soundly til morning. Stupid pirates.