p.s.

Everyone is boring.

I've been having my quarter-life crisis, albeit a year late. Assuming I live to be 100. Which I will because I drink red wine.

I'd like to be a writer, but I have nothing interesting to say. I can apparently fill years of a blog with the nothings of my life, but so what? I feel like every blog out there has similar musings of everyday life. What? I'm so rare? By random search, I can find 3,000 other blogs by 20-something women trying to "figure it all out." In print form, we call this chick lit, mostly distinguishable by it's pink, black, and white pallet on the bookshelves of Borders. Throw a diamond on that cover and you've got yourself a bestseller.

I'd like to keep being a teacher, (and I probably will) but I wish it meant something. I like to think of myself rather like Dr. Kelso on Scrubs. I am understandably and effectively a bit distant from my job. I perform better if I'm not worried about feelings, especially those of children. What is best for people is often not pleasant or kind, so I try more to be fair and helpful. All that being said, wouldn't it be great if teaching really was a noble career? It'd be great if I came home everyday and pondered the fragility of youth and my impact on our future world. Instead, I fear for the world that these children's children (unfortunately not far off, most likely) will create. I remember that even on my best days, I am just these kids' English teacher. They will not, and should not, live out their days remembering my class as their halcyon days of youth or as the beginning of their intellectual journeys. Looking back, if forced, I can remember some of my high school teachers. Some of them were phenomenal teachers. But that's about as far as it goes.

Honestly, I didn't want to be best friends with my teachers and I was never in the market for a mentor. I can't see that as my purpose in my career now. I am busy enough trying to force the kids, kicking and screaming, to exceed on their standardized tests. Here's hoping I will.

But.

What if I came home, knowing that I had changed the world forever?

I'd like to be a lawyer. But isn't it the same damn thing? You spend all your time on work (grading papers or legal briefs) that no one ever reads. You spend your time fighting for people (students/criminals/business executives) that won't appreciate it.

I'd like to be a scientist. I could change the world. But for reals. What if I set up the first Earthling habitat on Mars? But it's too late. I suck at math and I hate not being social. There's too much to catch up on in the world of science and who would put me in charge of setting up a new world? No labs for me.

I'd like to be a farmer, but I've got no land and no idea how to, you know, farm.

I'd like to make furniture, but ditto.

I'd like to have a career, a passion, a purpose in life. But instead, I have to spend all my time working and paying bills. Count that out, deduct for time needed sleeping, pooping, and eating (not all at once, people), and what do you have left? Time for a sitcom and a walk for the dog.

I shouldn't complain. Life is working out well. I have a wonderful husband, dog, apartment, and job. I can pay my bills on time and afford the occasional present for myself (Pumpkin Spice Latte, anyone?). I am winning the game of life. It just turns out the trophy isn't so shiny.

Though I'd like to pretend these are somehow philosophical, unique ramblings - they're not. Go search those other 3,000 blogs or those pink shelves at Borders and you'll find the same thing: Whine, whine, what does it all mean, whimper, ... oh diamonds! Even the phrase "there is nothing new under the sun" is biblically old.

Fight Club, Garden State, Punchdrunk Love, About Schmidt, The Great Gatsby - they're all the same. They're great movies and books that say the same thing. "What's it all for?" And no one knows.

Me too.

While this may all seem depressing, I've reached a Zen calm about it. It's nice to know that no one else knows what the hell they're doing either. I've said it before without knowing how true it is: maturity is nothing more than getting better at pretending that you know what you're doing. We're all just wandering around, bumbling, stumbling.

I've decided to enjoy the bustle and see how far I end up from here when it's all over.