King of the Gulls

Yesterday, my soccer team had a little BBQ and once again the gulls descended upon what they saw as free food. Their sudden appearance sparked conversation about the ferocious birds. I am not alone in my fear/hatred of these little buggers. Apparently, all present were in agreement that their blood red eyes were something to be considered. As we ranted on about their evil habits, one girl said, "But have you seen the big one? Their, like, leader?" There was a moment of silence. I said,"Yeah, I've seen it..." Then we all started telling stories of the giant seagull that we swear directs the smaller ones around. It lives just about a block from my flat and the flat of one of my teammates and we instantly earned respect for living so near it.

It stalks around as the little ones pull rubbish out of the bins for the big one to eat. As I walk to church, it sits up on top of the buildings around and with one caw, the small ones look down at me and start their infernal swooping and screeching. I have to rush down the street to get out of their way as my mere presence upsets the leader.

After telling our stories, it was time to head home. My friend dropped me off at a nearby convenience store so I could buy some carbonated water. We all have our weaknesses; judge not. Of course, my trip home required walking through King Gull territory. He himself swooped down at me and I knew he was aware of our gossiping. I was going to suffer because of the sins of the team. Luckily, and I swear this was divine intervention, a bag of old bread was carried out of a nearby rubbish bin by the wind. Of course the greedy bird looked back and forth between me and the loaf of moldy bread. He chose the bread and I left thankful for my eyes. (I am sure they will peck at my eyes one of these days.)

Moral of the story? If you're going to talk crap about someone, make sure his minions aren't eavesdropping.